Dad's Paper Dress

2003

My husband and I are driving to Terryton to meet my father's "internet girlfriend". Dad talks about Ying all the time. "Oh she's so pretty and she is one of those people that pokes you when you're sick." (Acupuncturist)

Since my mother passed away last year, my father has been on the prowl. He has always fancied himself as a ladies man. He sports a very bad rug on his head and wears tight powder blue stretch jeans from Kmart. According to my aunt he has always thought all the women were after him, when in reality the only person that noticed him was….. himself. Appearance means everything to my father, in fact it is the only thing that matters.

Now in his late 70's, he is an exaggerated version of who he once was, with dementia. We have been very proud of him trying to care of himself on his own. However, it hasn't taken him much time to realize that my mother did almost everything for him. I make sure that he has three or four good meals a week, and my other family members help out too. Life on his own has become a challenge and he is desperately trying to find someone attractive to take care of him.

We arrive at the house, dad is dressed in his powder blue's and button up shirt. The kitchen is clean and he is anxiously waiting for his "girlfriend" to arrive. He is so happy he can hardly contain himself. My husband Lee and I wait with him. Ying has been here one other time. It takes her about an hour and a half to get here from NYC. Dad says she is in her 50's and a little "too old" for him, but "she doesn't look her age. "

Dad has a rather interesting image of himself. He does not identify with other people his age, or anyone over 50 for that matter. He uses a variety of adjectives to describe these people…. "old" "wrinkly" "fat" "bald" "crippled" and sometimes just plain "ugly". When I point out that he is also bald, he explains that it doesn't count because he HAS hair, it's just not his own. As difficult as it is to admit, my father is "the dirty old man next door". He typically chases girls in their late teens and early twenties, which are, as he says, more his age.

My husband and I are interested in meeting Ying and we wonder what her attraction is to my father. We are fairly certain that it is his money. Not that he has a lot of money, but we know that he gives out his address to any and everyone on the computer, talks about living alone and having a "television in every room!" He has set himself up as an easy target.

There is a knock at the door and Dad rushes to the living room. A petite Chinese woman enters and dad has engulfed her with his arms "Hi darlin, hi darlin!" She stands rigidly, pats his back and giggles "Oh Oh Oh yes hello!" She follows him in and he introduces us. Ying has an accent and speaks rather softly. My father has lost some hearing in one ear so the conversation is a little slow. Lee often repeats what she has said when he sees my father leaning forward or responding incorrectly.

Ying is from China and received most of her education in France. She claims that outside of the US she could practice as a doctor. She now works as an acupuncturist in the city and lives in a small apartment with her niece. The conversation turns to my father and Ying is concerned because my father claims that he does not eat. (My father tells everyone that he does not eat, which couldn't be further from the truth) "You must eat for your strength, it is important, you must eat!", she says. My father is happy for the attention this gets him, he smiles and flexes his arm to show his sagging muscle. He points to the bicep and says "Oh, I am strong as an ox! I go to see Scapp (that is his doctor, but Ying doesn't have a clue to what he is talking about) and he says, Ray you gotta put on the paper dress. I don't want to put on that damn paper dress, but I gotta do it. So I put it on and I look like a girl. Lorrie (the nurse) says Ray, you look good!" Ying is now sitting with her head tilted to the side trying to figure out what he is talking about. Lee and I sit and look at each other and my father continues. "So they hook up these things all over my chest and then they plug it in, and it doesn't work! Lorrie says that plug is no good. So they send me up the hospital and they tell me to run on the machine. So I run like I'm 20 years old, and they say I'm a strong man! Oh I'm a good swimmer, I'll go put on my trunks if you want me to, but OH GOD my legs are white and Lorrie just laughs!" My father is laughing, Lee and I are looking at the floor shaking our heads and Ying giggles nervously.

Ying's visit with us lasted no more than a few hours. She headed back to NYC in her broken down two door Chevy. The following week my father went out and purchased a small diamond engagement ring and two wedding bands. Lee and I know this is an act of desperation, but trying to speak logically to my father futile. Ying visited my father one more time and she accepted his proposal of marriage. He held onto the rings because he wanted his daughter to "accept" the marriage first. We took Dad to the attorneys office to begin the process of a prenuptial agreement. Lee contacted Ying with the logistical information. Dad never heard from her again.

I know this is the beginning of a very long road.