I Miss My Mother

2007

Yesterday was the four year anniversary of my mother's passing. It was a difficult day. It always is. Reliving her last hours in my head is horrible. This is the first year I have been away from her grave. The most difficult part of moving south, was leaving her behind. I know that sounds insane but none the less that is the truth. For the last three years I have taken the day off from work and sat with her at the cemetery for a while. We have a long talk. This year I asked my sister-in-law to go up for me and send my love. To my surprise my father was 'out of sorts' yesterday. I'm not sure if he was aware of the day and the significance of it. I had planned on taking him out to Dunkin Donuts, but by the time I got home from my doctor's appointment he had popped a Valium and was pretty much out of it for the rest of the day.


So this morning after the 'One Man Band' performance' I told him that we could go out for a coffee at 10:15 after my walk. He looks at his watch and says "7:00 sounds good." Mind you it is now 8:30 in the morning. "No Dad, 10:15 this morning, in a little while." "Oh yeah - good." I finish my walk at 10:00 and come in through the garage and he is sitting at the kitchen table ready to go. I had wanted to change into some clean clothes before leaving but making him wait fifteen more minutes is just torture for him, so I grab my car keys and we head to Dunkin' Donuts. We pass some gas stations along the way and gas is almost $3.00 a gallon, which just kills me. I ask Dad,, "Can you believe how much gas has gone up? I don't know how they can do this to us." Dad shakes his head, "Yeah wow, the guys I talk to on the radio have been payin' over three dollars for a while. People try the gas wars, but that don't work. You know they say don't buy gas on this day or that day but it don't work. I belonged to one of those once in Finland. It never worked." I can't believe what he just said. "Finland Dad? You don't live in Finland!" "Yeah I know but I wanted to help them out." Do I take this any further? I decide to just let it go.


Over coffee I tell him that today is bathroom cleaning day. So he asks me again what the Windex is for and the other cleaning supplies. We get that all straightened out and he says he'll get right to it when we get home. Which he actually does! I was very impressed. No ailments today, no stalling, nothing unusual at all. While he cleans his bathroom I head upstairs to clean mine. When I'm done I bring everything downstairs and find Dad sitting at the kitchen table. The view shocks me . He is sitting at the kitchen table with his tee shirt pulled up above his man breasts. His breasts and pot belling sticking out to the table. Sitting on top of his completely bald head is a paper towel. The paper towel is saturated with sweat and has formed itself to the top of his head and then sticks out on the sides. I say "Dad! What is wrong with you? You are quite a sight!" He puts his hand on his paper towel and says "Yeah, I'm soaked with sweat. I worked real hard!" He puts the paper towel on the kitchen table , turns it over and then puts it on his head again."

My father never had any manners at all. However I can't imagine that my mother would have ever tolerated this unclean behavior. During the winter months I had a battle with him over blowing his nose at the kitchen table. To make matters worse he uses a disgusting hankie which gets filled with mucous all day and thrown in to his hamper for me to clean. I can't stress how repulsive this is. It took me a week to get him to walk into the bathroom to blow his nose. I know he was angry with me, but I could no longer put up with it. Now it would appear that we have to discuss sweating on the kitchen table! I decide that I will save this topic for a later date.


I begin to make his lunch. Every now and then I look over at him and I feel myself starting to giggle. He looks so ridiculous. I'm bringing his sandwich over to the table and he suddenly grasps his nipple with his index finger and thumb and pinches it. He says "You know I've been waiting for this thing to go away and then I looked down the other day and it was gone! I don't know where it is, but it's gone!" What the hell is he doing? What the hell is he talking about? More importantly where is the digital camera so I can take a picture of this? Let me just preserve this ridiculous crazy moment in time. My father sitting at the kitchen table, wet paper towel on his head, sweaty breasts and potbelly hanging out pinching his nipple!


I miss my mother.